


Fatherhood

by Saber_Wing



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode V: Empire Strikes Back, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Father-Son Relationship, Humor, Parody, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-12
Updated: 2015-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-04 03:36:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4124242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saber_Wing/pseuds/Saber_Wing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vader could only sigh. If the boy kept this up, he would have to come over there and take the rest of his arm.</p><p>Ugh. Fatherhood was hard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fatherhood

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. This is so dumb, and I can't stop laughing. Send help. 
> 
> And enjoy my stupidity :D

“Luke...I am your father.”

Darth Vader stood on the catwalk, hand outstretched as his wayward son hung precariously above the gas vents, hundreds of feet below. Honestly, he'd only been an actual father for about five minutes, and this kid was already driving him to distraction. All Vader wanted was someone to laugh maniacally with in the throne room after Palpatine was dead, but _no,_ Luke just _had_ to be difficult and force him to start chopping off extremities. 

_Kids these days._

The boy's face blanched with horror. “That's not true! That's impossible!”

“Oh, calm down, it's not that bad. At least you have an actual father. The Force was mine, and let me tell you, it has _not_ been a very supportive parent.”

“No! Nooooo!...wait, what?”

“Yeah, your grandma, she swore up and down that I had no father. Obi-Wan said Qui-Gon told him it had something to do with midicholrians or some shit, and my birth was the will of the Force because I'm the Chosen One, so nobody actually knocked her up. I know, pretty cool, right?”

Shockingly enough, all emotion seemed to drop from Luke's expression, and he stared, unblinking and unamused. If Vader had to make a guess, he'd even say he looked a little put out.

“So does that mean you're like, Force Jesus or something?” he quipped, voice practically dripping with sarcasm. Though the boy didn't actually role his eyes, Vader could _hear_ it all the same.

He shrugged. “I don't know, I guess so.”

Now Luke did role his eyes, projecting so much annoyance through the Force, Vader could only sigh.

If the boy kept this up, he would have to come over there and take the rest of his arm.

_Ugh. Fatherhood is hard._

“Listen, I don't know where you get off talking about non-supportive parents, but you kind of just chopped off my hand. That pretty much means I'm going to despise everything you say for the foreseeable future.”

Such _cheek_ . And after Vader had gone to the trouble of _not_ killing him on sight. Rude.

“Oh come on, I'm trying to form a bond here, give me a break.”

“Give me my hand back, and maybe I will!”

Vader shook his head, cocking his hip as he placed a hand on it. “You are just never going to let that go, are you?”

“I'm still bleeding!”

“No you're not, the wound cauterized on contact.”

The guttural noise his son released sounded somewhere between a shriek and a strangled moan. Hard to tell which without splitting hairs, really.

“Now, now, Luke. You know you want to join me so I can help you down from there. Search your feelings.”

“Search my asshole, Vader!”

“I'd rather not, if it's all the same to you.”

Luke groaned, banging his head against the metal it rested on. “Okay, you know, what? The longer this conversation drags on, the more I hate your face. It sucks. I'll take my chances with the hundred foot fall beneath my feet, thank you very much.”

Vader fought down a smirk. _The sass is strong with this one._

“Hate leads to suffering and the darkside, my son. Good job. Keep it up.”

“Gee, thanks dad! Does this mean I get to travel around in a tin can, just like you? Yay. My life is complete.”

“Ouch, that was a little unnecessary. Can't you just try to reach out to me here _?_ ”

“No, actually, I can't reach _anything_. My _hand is gone.”_

Vader sighed. “And there he goes again with the hand thing. Honestly. There's just no talking to some people. Just join me, Luke, holy shit. Don't be so difficult.”

“Yeah, that's gonna be a nope from me. Eat shit. Bye.”

 _That little shit,_ Vader thought, as he watched his son release his grip on the bar holding him up, tumbling head first toward imminent doom. Not that he hadn't been doomed either way, but, well...you know. Hundred foot fall. Death. Doom. It was all relative, really.

Hmph. If that was the way he wanted to be in light of Vader's generosity, that was his bed to lie in.

“Fine! Go to your X-Wing, young man!”

Luke's voice was fading now as he plunged farther into the abyss, but not before one last, “Don't tell me what to do, sperm-donor!”

Always had to have the last word, did he?

Yup. He was a Skywalker all right.

Vader grinned beneath his mask. _I'm so proud._

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
